First Time Obedience - Does It Really Work?

It was July 4th weekend, and we had decided to make the drive to PA to visit my dad and stepmom. Our firstborn, Jackson, and only child at the time, was 17 months old. As we got out of the car, Jackson spotted the swing set in the backyard. It had one of those carriage type swings that holds about four little people at a time, two on each side. He made his way towards the swings while we stayed back to visit. 

As I watched him step into the carriage swing, I noticed a swarm of hornets starting to swirl about. I was too far away to remove him from the danger, so while I started moving towards him, in a calm but firm voice, I said, “Jackson, stand up and walk to mommy right now.” “Yes ma’am,” came his immediate response. And as he stood up and began walking to me, one of the hornets stung him. 

I scooped him up and ran inside to make a baking soda paste to put on the sting. And as I took him inside, I praised him, “Jackson, I am SO proud of you! Because you obeyed me, coming immediately when I asked you to, you only got one sting and you could have gotten so many more that we would have had to take you to the hospital.” “Thank you so much for obeying mommy the first time!” I explained that his stepping onto the swing had disturbed a huge hornet’s nest that had gone undetected by his grandparents. 

From the time he could understand my words, I had been drilling him with three questions. 1) What are you supposed to say when mommy asks you to do something? His response: Yes ma’am. 2) What are you supposed to do? His response: Do it. 3) And when are you supposed to do it? His response: The first time. 

Like any child, he did not always follow this training. And this is when he would get a swat on his bottom with a rubber spatula or a swat at his legs with a switch. Then, he would sit in time out until I reviewed the three questions. And I would say, “When you obey mommy, you get hugs and kisses. When you don’t obey mommy, I have to discipline you, because it’s my job to train you to respect me.” 

It’s a job, and it’s not easy. Threatening and repeating only teaches our children that we will threaten and repeat. Doing what we say we’re going to do teaches them that we will do what we say we will do. It sounds so simple, and it is. It’s in being consistent with it that is the challenge, but the payoffs are huge. The sooner you start meaning what you say, the sooner you can get a habit of first time obedience. And it might even save your child’s life. 

When children are little, the mom often gets the lion share of the time with them, but this totally applies to the dad as well and I can attest that my husband followed this same approach. It’s always helpful to do it the same way and to back each other up as parents.

Children don't come out the womb knowing and understanding the concept of delayed gratification. They want what they want when they want it. If we as parents allow them to do only what they feel like doing, then we're setting them up for failure.

Are you going to get first time obedience every time? Of course not. That's the reason parenting is such hard work, but that's the aim - that's what you strive for. Obedient children are a pleasure to be around, but they come that way. You have to train them - to teach them with love. It's why God tells us to train our children diligently.

We didn't come up with this on our own. We learned it from a class that was offered at our church when our children were little, and I would recommend it to anyone with children. The class was based on Gary Ezzo and Anne Marie Ezzo’s book: Growing Kids God's Way.